


The Dark Lord & The Organiser

by Piker_Benunder



Category: No Fandom, Original Work
Genre: Accounting, Alternate Universe - Video Game World, Comedy, Dark Lords, Fantasy, Gen, Video Game Logic, Video Game Mechanics
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-01
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-10-04 17:42:07
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 900
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20475011
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Piker_Benunder/pseuds/Piker_Benunder
Summary: Even the most fearsome lords of evil need a little guidance sometimes. Where they went wrong and how their dark deeds can be even more dreadful. This is the story of one such man's job to help the sinister and wicked, and his confrontation with possibly the most stubborn client in his career.





	The Dark Lord & The Organiser

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the following writing prompt: You’re a professional organizer and a video game boss just hired you for their lair, they don’t seem to understand why random health packs, crates of ammo and useless bales of hay and closets aren’t a good idea and just help the hero

Inside the throne room of Snoggath the Tormenter, the bane of Felandria and rightful heir to the dark crown, stood a man.

"Alright, Mr. Snoggath the Tormenter, your minions have shown me every nook and cranny of your esteemed castle. I believe I can help you."

"Please, sir, 'Snoggath' will do. But go ahead," Snoggath said, nervously shifting in his throne. He had taken so much care designing this castle, devising nefarious traps and hiring only the most fearsome fiends for his dungeon. Where could possibly be any more room for improvement?

The organiser put on his glasses and shuffled through his notes. "Good, Snoggath, I see you're eager to receive my advice. Many despots and conquerers aren't open to criticism, you know. Hardly surprising, yet disappointing nonetheless. But as long as I get paid," he added with a weary sigh. "Anyway, enough about me. Is there any specific area you had in mind when you enlisted my services?"

"Not directly, no. I thought an outsider's perspective might be of use. Crafting this pinnacle of my kingdom took aeons, countless mortals perished during its construction. Perfection is what I strive for, and perfection is what I shall receive." He clenched his iron fist with such force, a piece of coal would have turned into a diamond, which would immediately crumble under the intense pressure. "Humans have a saying which, I feel, applies here. Not seeing the forest for the trees."

"A man of culture, I see. Then let us begin with your castle's general layout. I've seen many traps and trap doors during my visit, and in several cases your minions actually triggered them themselves. I realise they are meant for intruders, but they obviously pose a serious and significant health risk to your own people."

"My minions are disposable to me. Death provides their meaningless lives with a purpose. Dying in my castle is an honour only few are granted."

"Placing traps where your minions don't go could prevent some accidental deaths, though. For example, there are countless shortcuts, especially in hard to reach places. You could put some traps there, where mostly trespassers would be harmed by them. That could both save your minions and injure or even dispose of any unwanted guests sneaking around your castle."

"These shortcuts are for my servants. Those goblins and pixies with their tiny, little legs take too long to reach me via ordinary ways, so we had small passageways and secret doors erected, to aid them in providing better and more efficient care for me."

"I see." The organiser took a pen out of his pocket and made a note on one of his papers. "Next up, I couldn't help but notice your entire foundation for this building seems to be a giant pool of lava, which at places flows through parts of the deeper levels of the interior. Is that necessary?"

"Certainly. It is menacing and captures my fiery persona. It also serves as a waste disposal for all the bodies of my enemies." More quietly he added, "Plus, the indirect, natural lighting creates an intriguing atmosphere, and it significantly lowers the heating bill and other expenses."

"Mhm, practical. As I was shown around, a group of your minions tried to get rid of a rat. However, only one at a time was trying to do so, the others only watched and, well, waited for their turn. That's their MO for any situations involving confrontations, I assume?"

Snoggath groaned. "That is due to their lousy training. I hired these supposedly elite warriors from a distant land, and their holy training instructions there explicitly forbid engaging an opponent with more than two men at once. One day, when I have conquered their lands, I will rip apart these instructions with my own hands together with the instructors' feeble bodies, and burn down their training grounds. I will show them what being an elite guard truly means."

"Always the ambitious one, commendable. What about all the health and mana potions lying around everywhere? I also nearly stumbled over some magic tomes with powerful spells written down in them. Don't you feel like that's giving your potential intruders an advantage?"

"My minions deserve health care and I provide them with only the best potions there are, pillaged during my countless raids. Tomes are knowledge, and knowledge is power. I didn't become the ruler of my kingdom by being lucky or fortunate. I hardened both my body and my mind."

The organiser put down his papers. "Snoggath, I think we went through all of my notes. So far, you haven't taken a liking to any of my suggestions, but at least you provided reasons as to why and didn't try to put my head on a spike. If I might add one last thing, though. Have you considered putting a lock on the door to your treasury?"

Snoggath pondered that idea for a moment. "Brilliant idea. I shall do that immediately. Thank you for your service. My minions will escort you out and hand over your payment. And now begone, puny mortal!" His massive index finger pointed towards the door.

Two minutes after the organiser had left the throne room, a minion entered. "My liege, the organiser has been... escorted."

Snoggath grinned, exposing his sharp teeth. "I love my lava pool," he said, and his roaring laughter could be heard all throughout the castle.


End file.
